Get curious!
Becoming curious takes you out of the Blame Game [confrontational mentality, lose /win] into a Team [cooperative mentality,win/win]. A few days after the coat incident I told Karen about my team idea and we decided to replay the event.
I got curious:
Fred:When you saw my coat on the floor, what was up for you?
Karen: I was tired from work and was looking forward to crashing on the couch. When I saw your coat I freaked out. You know we had talked about setting a good example for our children and I enjoy a clean living room.
Fred: So you were tired too.
Karen: Yeah one of my new mothers had three of their family members in the room and it was so crowded. I kept bumping into people and it took me twice as long to assess her and the baby.
Karen: What was up for you?
Fred: I felt guilty about the coat because I know you like a clean living room. Then I started getting angry, I was tired from coaching the kids and I deserve some me time. I could feel my hands tightening into fists and that was when I realized that we are on the same team.
Karen: I guess we were both pretty tired.
Fred: What can we do to avoid repeating the same thing from happening ?
Karen: I guess I could have gone to my room to relax and talk to you later.
Fred: I could have taken a few moments to hang up my coat before having my shower.
It wasn’t happily ever after but it was a start .