We have all come to this point sometime in one of our many relationships. Something doesn’t feel right and we want to make it better. Up to this point things have been doing great: we felt like we’re on top of the world and now THIS. In the article we will lay out a generic plan of how to deal with THIS by using what tools we already have.
One of our greatest tools is that gut feeling that we all get that tells us that something is doing great or something is wrong. The sooner we are able to recognize this, the faster we are able to deal with the problem and prevent things from escalating out of control.
Step 1. PAUSE
- Take a moment, either at the time of your gut feeling or as soon after as possible, and move to a place where you feel empowered. Many refer to this state as being in the zone, in the moment or in the flow.
Step 2. OBSERVATION
- Step back and recall the situation as someone who was watching the event, not as a participant. What would have your cell phone recorded (sounds, statements, body language, etc…).
Step 3. GET CURIOUS
About yourself:
- What am I feeling?Am I frustrated, upset or sad?
- What is it that I value(need) that is missing?
- Do I need to be heard or get some clarity on what just happened?
About the other person(s):
- What were they feeling?
- What was missing for them?
Step 4. ACTION PLAN
- Ask the other people involved the same questions you asked yourself.
- Role play with someone else if the original people are not available or willing to participate.
Example:
You come home after a hard day at work and there it is! Your roommate has left their clothes all over the living room- again!
PAUSE: I’m going to take a long bath and relax.
OBSERVATION: Their clothes are on the couch and shoes are on the coffee table. We have both agreed to keep the common area clean.
GET CURIOUS: I am frustrated. I really value(need) a clean common area. I am sad. I would like to trust that they would do what we agreed to.
ACTION PLAN: Talk to the other person.
“When I came home tonight I felt frustrated when I saw your clothes on the couch and the coffee table.I am curious what are you feeling when I tell you this?”